Shananigans

stuck, stagnant, stifled

the mattered mush inside the skull absorbing the dirt, taking seeds and breeding weeds, are we in control of this madness?

i read October 23 words and i know that girl. i know her intentions. she wanted to be free of the patterns, the loop, the way her thoughts always brought her back to this parasitical self doubt, pestering negativity, persistent self criticism.

she walked, hiked, ran, crawled, flew, desperately thought she could leave herself behind, overcome the hurdles that crippled her. she remained shackled to it though. when life on the outside could be discerned as nothing but great, she sat in her worries and insecurities. she watched the world blur around her, everyone else moving in and out of themselves, but she remained stuck, stagnant, and stifled by her world falling in on her.

the world in her head, that is. the one that internalized the words directed at her body. the one that wanted to be loved but didn’t know how to love herself. the one that left her feeling like a lost puzzle piece that couldn’t find her place.

i know that girl. she wanted lightness, to unshackle the sandbag that kept her constrained in darkness. she wanted what she perceived everyone else had, the ability to act on her own accord without some nagging voice breathing toxicity into how she moved through the day.

i know that girl. she wanted answers to the wrong questions. she thought she had to prove herself, to herself. that if she climbed a tall mountain, she would have left the anger at her body at the bottom. that if she walked the longest road, she would know her body and her mind wouldn’t fail her. she tested herself but when the feat was accomplished, the peak summited, the road ended, the momentary gratification was plummeted by the reality she still carried with her. the reality that she was still her; flawed.

flawed.

girl i know, you are indeed flawed. and instead of running from it, trying to hide away, cover up, suppress, you are learning to be.

girl i know is evolving to the Woman I am. The Woman I am has taken responsibility for herself. The Woman I am looks in the mirror everyday and before girl i know has a chance to spit the automatic thoughts she has engrained into her being, the Woman I am silences her. We breath lightness in the dark patches, affirm the ways that the person staring back in the mirror is flawed, and fantastic for it.

We are no long chasing, we are pacing ourselves.

Because we got a sandbag we still carry around with us. Instead of denying our story, the past, the bits we are not proud of, we put it on wheels and pull it along. Each day, grabbing a handful of what weighted us down for so long, we gently feel the grittiness in our hands and then blow it into the wind. And you know, sometimes the wind blows it right back in our face.

It is not perfect. It is not supposed to be. This situation we all face called life isn’t mapped out for anyone. There is no perfection, only disillusioned thinking that there could be.

The girl i know who wrote those words on October 23 was trying so hard to feel alive within herself. And the Woman I am today thanks her for doing the day to day work back then, to come to terms with her flaws. To sit in the discomfort of herself and decide that that thought of inadequacy and all its repercussions did not have room in her life any longer.

We are no longer exhausted by a negative existence. Quite the opposite actually, we are energized by the progress made. We know that grand journeys and athletic feats have no place in an attempt to escape who we are. We are who we are.

We have no patience for a self pity party. We do not condone inaction and thinking the problem will go away on its own. We do not get hung up on the moments when our thoughts turn sour. We pause and breath into them. We have grace and patience with the Woman I am.

Now I leave with this, as the Woman I am goes forward, lightening the load carried, a bigger question looms ahead.

Who do I want to be?